The Enid News and Eagle, Enid, OK

Opinion

November 22, 2012

Black Friday: It's all in the script

ENID, Okla. — Movie sequels are all the rage in Hollywood these days.

This year alone we have seen “Men In Black 3,” “Madagascar 3,” “The Expendables 2,” “Paranormal Activity 4,” “Taken 2,” and “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2,” not to mention the latest in the “Dark Knight,” “Diary of a Wimpy Kid,” “Resident Evil,” “Ice Age,” “Bourne” and “Ghost Rider” franchises.

The year to come promises new iterations of “G.I. Joe,” “Die Hard,” “The Hangover,” “Fast and Furious,” “Star Trek,” “Iron Man,” “Smurfs,” “Despicable Me,” “Hunger Games,” “Thor” and “Bad Santa.”

There are no new ideas in Tinsletown these days, it seems.

With that in mind, I have decided to pen my own screenplay, a sequel to a 1977 film, “Black Sunday.”

The original film involves a plot by Palestinian terror organization Black September to carry out an attack on the United States.

A disturbed Vietnam War vet, Michael Lander (played by Bruce Dern) teams up with a lady terrorist, Dahlia Iyad (Marthe Keller), in the scheme to hijack a Goodyear blimp, load it with bombs and use it to attack the Super Bowl, killing everyone in the stadium. Lander, you see, just happens to be a disgruntled Goodyear blimp pilot.

Trying to stop them are an Israeli Mossad agent Maj. David Kabakov (played by the late Robert Shaw) and an FBI man, Sam Corley (Fritz Weaver).

Tension builds as the good guys race to stop the baddies from killing the 100,000 fans gathered for the game in Miami’s Orange Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The film’s conclusion features police helicopters chasing the bomb-laden blimp as it nears the stadium. Panic ensues, and, cut.

I propose bringing this story into the modern age.

Picture this. It’s Thanksgiving. Kabakov has moved to America and he and Corley are fast friends and neighbors in the aftermath of the Super Bowl incident. Their families are spending the holiday together.

The two retired former anti-terror operatives are napping in the living room after the meal while their sons, Moshe Kabakov and Cory Corley, are plotting their next mission, which they will carry out under the cover of darkness.

Moshe, a Pilates instructor, and Cory, who toils in a 10-minute oil change place, are planning to hit their local Big Box store when it opens for Black Friday, the most important shopping day of the year.

They have a map of the store, they have their shopping lists, they have traded their billfolds for shoulder holsters to help them whip out their credit cards even faster, they are properly hydrated, they are dressed in camo and have blackened their faces with shoe polish. Then they think better of the shoe polish, and it takes them the better part of the afternoon to remove it.

As evening approaches, the two friends set out on their mission.

But unbeknownst to them, Lance Lander, the son of “Black Sunday” hijacker Michael Lander, is the Big Box night manager. He is dating Dandelion Iyad, pouting slacker daughter of the former terrorist Dahlia.

She is angry with Big Box because they fired her for spending her entire work shift tweeting details of her athlete’s foot on her smartphone, and wants to exact her revenge.

She has talked Lance into turning Black Friday into a nightmare for the store and shoppers alike — by making sure none of the most coveted items are on the floor when the holiday sales begin.

So Lance spends the evening moving $59 70-inch flat screen TVs, $19 Blu-Ray players, $49 Barbie jeeps and $69 iPads into a rented van Dandelion has parked out back.

When the hundreds of eager shoppers, some of whom have been camped in the store since just after Labor Day, get ready to score their coveted gift items, all they will find is regularly priced stuff manufactured in international sweat shops.

That, the evil duo reckons, will touch off a riot of the like usually not seen outside a soccer stadium. The angry shoppers will trash the store, shutting it down and sending a clear message to Big Box’s secret headquarters deep inside the Ozark Mountains. Big Box then will close the store and leave town, they figure, thus adding another yet eyesore to the local landscape.

But Moshe and Cory arrive early, after stopping off to smoke a little weed behind the local high school. They’ve got a fierce case of the munchies, so they have split up looking for chips, cookies or the toker’s Holy Grail, Twinkies.

As Moshe rounds the corner of the snack aisle, he spots Lance wheeling a cart containing $35 laptops toward the front of the store. Despite his drug-induced haze he instantly realizes something is wrong. He tries to text Cory, but winds up sending a message to his father, instead.

The elder Kabakov rouses from his tryptophan-enduced stupor and awakens Sam.

The two immediately contact local authorities, who mobilize the SWAT team, helicopters, even a few off-duty school crossing guards.

Meanwhile, Moshe confronts Lance, who screams like a little girl and runs away. But Dandelion is lurking behind our young hero, and dispatches him with a Furby to the head.

The dull thud attracts Cory, who grabs the only weapon he can find, a large jar of kosher dill pickles.

 Sirens draw nearer, helicopters can be heard hovering overhead, Cory and Dandelion circle each other warily and the resolute but weary (and unwashed) shoppers begin their countdown to Black Friday, “9, 8, 7, 6 ...”

So will our heroes prevail, will Black Friday be saved, or will the evil plot to bring Big Box to its knees succeed?

You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out.

Happy shopping.

Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. Email him at jmullin@enidnews.com.

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