The Enid News and Eagle, Enid, OK

April 23, 2013

Bigfoot, an alien and a lizard walk into a bar ...

By Jeff Mullin, columnist
Enid News & Eagle

— OK, are you ready for this? Guess what I heard.

Bigfoot is real, but isn’t of this world. Instead, his kind was spawned by the aliens that crash-landed at Roswell in 1947.

Oh, and man didn’t land on the moon. That whole thing was staged in a studio in Burbank.

The Loch Ness Monster is real, but it’s just an ordinary water lizard grown to giant size by the fluoride in the drinking water and the sinister chemicals coming from those contrails you see trailing behind high-flying jets.

The CIA is responsible for the proliferation of crack cocaine, the U.S. government sat back and allowed 9/11 to happen and we are moving swiftly toward a New World Order, spearheaded by the lizard people running the government who control our minds through television broadcast signals.

Oh, and Osama bin Laden is alive, but Paul McCartney is dead and Elvis is running a laundromat in Hoboken.

Did we miss any conspiracy theories? Only the one about the president being the Antichrist.

These theories, and many more, are among the more outlandish things people in this country believe, according to a recent poll by the Public Policy Polling group.

Fifteen percent of the 1,247 registered American voters surveyed believe the media or the government adds secret mind-controlling technology to television broadcast signals. If that was the case, then why do so many TV shows have such lousy ratings and wind up being canceled? You’d think if the TV powers-that-be could control our minds, everything they put on the air would be a runaway hit, and we’d all be up to our ears in erectile dysfunction drugs, new cars and beer.

Speaking of drugs, the same percentage of respondents say they believe the pharmaceutical industry is in league with the medical industry to invent new diseases in order to make money. This one’s at least plausible. Remember all those commercials about fighting toenail fungus a few years ago?

Seven percent believe the moon landings were faked. If that’s the case, the Apollo program was discontinued — not so America could develop the space shuttle, but because of lousy ratings.

Twenty-one percent believe a UFO crashed at Roswell, N.M, in 1947, and the U.S. government covered it up. I don’t believe in the government’s ability to keep a secret for 46 minutes, much less cover up a spaceship full of little green men for 46 years.

Along that same line, 29 percent of those surveyed say they believe in aliens. That might help explain Dennis Rodman.

Nine percent of those surveyed say they believe the government adds fluoride to our water supply, not for dental health reasons, but for other, more sinister reasons. That brings us back to toenail fungus.

Fourteen percent of respondents say they believe in Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch. I believe my neighbors have been peeking through my windows again.

A full 28 percent of those answering the poll say they think a secretive power elite with a globalist agenda is conspiring to eventually rule the world through an authoritarian global government, or New World Order. Gee, and we can’t even get Republicans and Democrats to share the same sandbox.

Mercifully, only 4 percent of those surveyed said they believe shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies. Again, I refer you to Dennis Rodman.

Interestingly, that 4 percent is dwarfed by the 13 percent that believe the president is the Antichrist. The mind boggles.

Six percent say Osama bin Laden is alive, while five percent think Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, but was secretly replaced by a lookalike so The Beatles could continue. There’s no word on how many think that, for a time, Osama served as the stand-in Paul.

Fourteen percent say they believe the CIA was instrumental in distributing crack cocaine into America’s inner cities in the 1980s. Perhaps some of those answering the survey have sampled the agency’s product.

I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t characterize these people as mentally unbalanced, gullible, or just flat out of their minds.

Who am I to judge? This is, after all, America, and people are free to believe what they wish, no matter how far out of the realm of reality they seem.

After all, I still believe the Cubs will someday win the World Series.

Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. Email him at