By Jeff Mullin, columnist
Enid News and Eagle
ENID, Okla. —
We knew it couldn’t last.
The timing is rather unfortunate, however, coming as it does right before Christmas. Why couldn’t it wait a couple of weeks, when it is time to take down the decorations and start paying all the holiday bills?
Why can’t it be postponed at least until New Year’s morning, when your mouth tastes like old socks, your head is pounding and the country has been pushed over the “fiscal cliff?”
But no, it has to ruin Christmas. The end of the world is no fun.
This is it, this is all there is, there ain’t no more. Some time today, the Mayan apocalypse will set in, and Earth and all the creatures living upon it will cease to exist.
It’s not known exactly what time this is supposed to happen, so I’ll keep this short to give you more time to prepare.
The Mayans did not have wall calendars featuring photos of healthy young ladies in small bathing suits or those tear-off calendars sporting photos of cute kittens. Instead, they carved these huge stone affairs featuring dozens of hieroglyphs. Those must have been hard to gift wrap and pure heck to hang on the wall in the kitchen.
At any rate, the Mayan calendar ends today. Thus, the world is coming to an end. Makes sense to me.
So, are you ready? Marketers are, it seems. In the Russian region of Siberia, a company has been selling end-of-the-world survival kits, containing medicine, soap, candles, matches, vodka, a can of fish, a pack of buckwheat, a notepad, a deck of cards and a rope.
A Mexican company is marketing a doomsday kit called “Just In Case,” which includes matches, a knife, water for 10 days, traditional Mexican cinnamon-laced chocolate, a notebook and pencil and some “Mayan liquor,” to mellow you out.
Here in this country, the Jell-O folks have created a commercial in which cases of Jell-O pudding are offered as a sacrifice to the Mayan gods in exchange for sparing the world. Heck, it just might work, especially since they are offering chocolate pudding.
Carl’s Jr., the burger chain, is offering a special apocalypse sandwich, a 12x12x12 burger, featuring a dozen beef patties, 12 bacon strips and a dozen slices of cheese. Eat one of those, and you will welcome the apocalypse.
The Keating Hotel in downtown San Diego is offering $666 end of the world packages, which include a massage, complimentary in-room movie, cardio training, a sunset sailing adventure, a fitness boot camp (to help fight off zombies) and a final meal.
Russians are worried about the Mayan apocalypse, so worried, in fact, that the Russian government stepped in and issued an official statement.
Vladimir Puchkov, the minister of emergency situations, said he is sure the world will not end today and that he has “access to methods of monitoring what is occurring on the planet Earth.” That’s easy for him to say; he’s probably got one of those Siberian survival kits.
In China, 500 people were jailed for spreading rumors about the Mayan apocalypse. If the world is to end, the Chinese government wants it to be their idea, I guess.
So where are you going to be when the world ends? Thousands of people are expected to flock to a pyramid-shaped peak in Serbia, Mount Rtanj. The mountain supposedly once housed a wizard guarding a great treasure, though more recent rumors connect the mountain to space aliens. A hotel near the peak reported 500 people trying to book a room in one day.
In Bugarach, France, thousands of believers are descending on a mountain believed to have been visited by UFOs. Rumor has it the mountain will be spared from the apocalypse.
Others are flocking to the planet Yavin 4, or at least its movie stand-in.
The ancient Mayan city of Tikal in Guatemala represented Yavin 4 in the movie “Star Wars: A New Hope,” from which Luke Skywalker and Han Solo launched their attack on the Empire’s Death Star.
Of course, we’ve heard it all before. Radio preacher Harold Camping predicted the world would end May 21, 2011, and when that didn’t happen, he re-adjusted his doomsday prediction to Oct. 21 of the same year. Uh huh.
Pat Robertson predicted the world would end in 1982, while Nostradamus said it would all come to a halt in 1999.
The world will end, someday, but no one knows when. Why we spend our time worrying about it is beyond me.
Life is short. We need to enjoy every day we have on this Earth, and make the most of our time here.
But it might be a good idea to have a little chocolate pudding, just in case.
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.