Published: March 13, 2007 11:30 pm         

In the grip of March Madness ...

All over the nation, at this very moment, hard-working Americans are doing research, crunching numbers and straining their brains, all in a single-minded quest for success.

Of course, this has nothing to do with their jobs, which are being largely left undone while they apply their brain power to what really counts this week — filling out their NCAA basketball tournament brackets.

It’s basketball, not business, that is the focus in offices, warehouses and factories this week. You’d better hope your accountant is thinking about your tax deductions and not about this year’s biggest first-round upset. Ask yourself, is your dentist concentrating on your maxillary first premolar or on Indiana’s ability to hit free throws down the stretch.



Challenger, Gray & Christmas Inc., a Chicago employment consulting firm, estimates the NCAA basketball tournament will cost employers nearly $87 million for every 13.5 minutes of wasted work time. That’s the average time, says Hitwise, an Internet market research firm, fans spent on popular sports Web sites during previous NCAA tournaments.

Overall, the 20-day tournament will cost U.S. business and industry roughly $1.2 billion in worker productivity, or roughly the cost of two Pentagon toilet seats.

Of course, most businesses have NCAA tournament pools, which are illegal if money changes hands. And, of course, if no money changes hands, what’s the point? Thus, American business and industry will largely be manned (and womaned) by criminals for the next three weeks.

A lawmaker in Michigan wants to change that. Michigan state Rep. Kim Meltzer, a Republican, wants to legalize NCAA office pools. “It’s a crime that we consider that a crime,” he says.

Be that as it may, I am lucky filling out my NCAA tournament bracket can be considered part of my work. It’s research, after all, for this column. And it’s strictly for fun, officer.

So how should you fill out your bracket? Some people listen to the experts, some choose teams on the basis of where they were seeded.

I have a more scientific method. I go by the team’s nickname.

Let’s take the first-round matchup between Ohio State and Central Connecticut State. Ohio State is the Buckeyes, which are nuts. Central Connecticut is the Blue Devils, which are colorful, all-powerful demons. The nuts don’t stand a chance.

BYU plays Xavier in another first-round matchup. BYU is the higher seed, but they are the Cougars, which are large scary animals. Xavier is the Musketeers, which are French guys with big hats and swords. The guys with the swords lose again.

Georgetown and Belmont meet in another first-round game. Georgetown is the Hoyas. Nobody knows what the heck a Hoya is, so that’s a strike against them. Belmont is the Bruins, which are bears. I know what a bear is, so look for Belmont to prevail.

Another game pits Butler against Old Dominion. Butler is the Bulldogs, slobbery but fierce-looking pooches. Old Dominion, on the other hand, is the Monarchs, which are butterflies. Except their mascot is a lion, as in the king of beasts. Lions aren’t going to lose to Bulldogs.

Maryland plays Davidson in another first-round matchup. Maryland is the Terrapins, which are turtles that rarely stray from salt or brackish water. Davidson is the Wildcats. Turtles don’t have a chance against Wildcats.

My pick to win it all? The Wisconsin Badgers. Badgers are, pound for pound, among nature’s fiercest and nastiest creatures, this side of IRS auditors, that is.



Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle.