Published: February 20, 2008 12:34 am            

Ready, aim ... duck and cover

OK, let’s see. Hard hat? Check. Flak jacket? Check. Three weeks supply of Rice Krispies treats? Check.

Oh, hi. Sorry, I’m just getting ready for when the Navy shoots down that screwed up satellite later this week.

The helmet and flak jacket are just in case the thing falls on my head. The Rice Krispies treats are just in case it doesn’t. A fellow can get a bit peckish between lunchtime and his 1 p.m. snack, don’t you know.

You know the story. This lemon of a satellite we shot into space a couple of years ago is about to do a Brittney Spears and plunge to earth, to fall we know not where.

To prevent it from falling over an inhabited area, thus ruining someone’s whole day, not to mention possibly giving our many enemies a look at bits of classified equipment, the government has decided to shoot it down.

So sometime this week a Navy warship will fire a missile at the falling bus-sized hunk of junk in an attempt to blow it out of the sky.

All around the world, preparations are under way for this unprecedented display of marksmanship. The space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to land today, so the crew will not be in danger. And Fidel Castro has retired as Cuba’s dictator, er, president, preferring to not take any chances.

We trust the Navy implicitly, of course, and have total confidence in their ability to shoot straight. But this is going to be a tough shot. Hitting this satellite is a little like trying to extract the truth from Roger Clemens — difficult, if not impossible.

We certainly don’t expect them to miss. After all, there will be three warships — USS Lake Erie, USS Decatur and USS Russell — involved in the operation.

Lake Erie will fire the first SM-3 missile at the satellite, when it is about 150 miles above the earth. Should the Lake Erie miss, the other two ships will take their turns.

I’m not saying they are going to miss, but what happens if they do? More importantly, what happens if, at the precise moment the first missile is fired, a technologically advanced, generally peace-loving but occasionally short-tempered race of aliens that look like giant pomegranates with legs, decides to drop by our neck of the galaxy for a visit?

How in the heck would we explain? You see, there’s this satellite, and we were worried about it falling on us, and there was this missile, and ... wow, that had to smart. We hope you’ll forgive us, hey, what just happened to Cleveland?

That would be bad. Of course, that’s not going to happen. Besides, we’ve got enough problems convincing our many enemies here on earth we’re doing this for the good of mankind, not as any kind of test of an anti-satellite system.

But there’s no reason to worry, or so all the experts tell us. The official Department of Defense press release doesn’t even say they are planning to shoot the thing down, rather, it is headlined “DoD to engage decaying satellite.”

I was engaged once, and it worked out pretty well. And decaying is bad. I know, I cleaned out my desk recently and found the remains of a sandwich I had left in a drawer — during the Carter administration.

This could prove an expensive exercise. Every missile the Navy shoots at the satellite costs $9.5 million, or about what John Edwards spends on haircuts in a year.

Besides, if a chunk of the satellite, a missile or a damaged alien spacecraft happens to fall on anyone’s head, the government will pay them for their pain and suffering. So park your old cars in the street for the rest of the week. You never know.

As for me, I’ll be under my desk with my hard hat, flak jacket and Rice Krispies treats. If a piece of this satellite falls on anyone, in any populated area, it will fall on me.

I’m sure of it. In fact, there’s no doubt in my mind. After all, I’m a Cubs’ fan.



Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle.