By Jeff Mullin, commentary
Christmas is just over 10 days away, so it is almost time to shift into high gear when it comes to gift-giving.
Of course, panic won’t really set in until Christmas Eve, just before the stores close. That’s when buying your mom a Red Bull, a lottery ticket and one of those evergreen car air fresheners from a local convenience store begins to look like a viable option.
But today, there is still time to consider the best gifts for all those on your Christmas list, as well as the worst.
Face it, there are people on your list you love, or really, really like, and some you merely tolerate.
How about that brother-in-law of yours who always raids your fridge, hogs your favorite chair and won’t turn loose of the TV remote whenever he comes to visit.
Then there’s dear old Aunt Sue, who never fails to point out that mole on your face that has the hair growing out of it, and insists on reminding you, and everyone else, of the fact you missed the high school prom because you split the seat of your tux pants on the way to pick up your date.
The Web site, stupid.com, has come up with its annual list of the 10 worst gifts of the holiday season, just for folks like these.
The list includes an underwear repair kit, consisting of a needle and thread, iron-on patches, safety pins, elastic for the waistband, duct tape and underwear white-out. There also is a fully illustrated 32-page instruction manual.
If the economy continues to tank, an underwear repair kit might just come in handy. Incidentally, stupid.com is sold out of this item, which either foreshadows great disappointment this Christmas morning, or a further economic downturn.
There is the 2009 Dog Poop calendar. Each month is graced by a photo of a spectacular landscape or beautiful scene, graced by a large pile of dog stuff. As an example, February’s pile of poo is heart-shaped. This gift stretches the concept of “it’s the thought that counts,” past its breaking point.
For the person who likes to multitask, there is the Potty Putter. It consists of a putting green that fits around the toilet, a cup, a flag, a special putter and two golf balls. As an added bonus, there is an “occupied” sign to hang on the bathroom door in case you decide to play the back nine.
If you prefer something only slightly more tasteful, and in no way connected to excrement, there is the Pole Dancer Alarm Clock. When the alarm sounds, dance music plays while the buxom blonde dancer on top of the clock gyrates around her poll under a spinning disco ball. Tips are optional.
For the political buff there is the Barack Obama Yes We Can Opener. It’s just a standard “church key,” can and bottle opener bearing a likeness of the president-elect. At $5.99, it is bound to not only open your cans and bottles, but help stimulate the economy, as well.
Speaking of which, there also is the Wealth Distribution Christmas Tree Ornament, a note from Barack Obama and Joe Biden informing the owner their holiday ornament has been redistributed to someone else who, for whatever reason, didn’t get one.
The rest of the list consists of too hot to chew wasabi gumballs, a hand cramp-inducing miniature Guitar Hero game and a tie decorated with step by step instructions on how to tie a tie.
Gifts are supposed to be given in the spirit of love. For anyone receiving one of these gifts this Christmas, a four-letter word will likely spring to mind, but it most definitely won’t be love.
Mullin is senior writer of the News & Eagle.